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Apr. 13th, 2012

still relevant,

So there was a very small window of time where I thought I was fine, I was in the clear. That maybe I was on the road to being happy or atleast closer then I had been in awhile.
I've been kidding myself though, all I've really been doing is ignoring my problems. I've been distracting myself with frivolous things, things that frankly I could care less about.


Here's the thing I'm away at university right now and no one here really knows me that well. 'Cause I only let people see what I want and when I want. So  they would never know when something were wrong with me really, at least I dont think they would notice.

{old draft I never published; from months ago and it's still relevant}

Oct. 4th, 2011

Months later...

It's been a few months since I've actually made an entry on here, and if anyone has actually read any of these they probably have this idea of me that I'm some majorly depressed girl. But I don't really know if "depressed" is what I would call this because it is continuous, but it almost hits me in waves days at a time,where as other times it's just there lurking in the back of my mind.  Maybe the problem isn't where I am or what doing or who I surround myself with because right now I'm in a completely different place with completely different people than I was just even a month ago. 

I'm the problem.

I've been chasing happiness for two years now and haven't been able to really catch up to it. But maybe I don't want to catch up. I think I may be afraid to really be happy, cause what then?

Jul. 24th, 2011

chasing happiness.

 I've been chasing happiness for awhile now and it always seems to be out of reach
 or as if I can only hold on to for a second and then I blink and it's gone.
 I've only ever had moments,short nothingness to others, but the memory
of these few times mean everything to me.

For the most part there is a numbness, a darkness clouding my mind.
Stealing away great moments.

Mar. 2nd, 2011

(no subject)

I can't believe I'm saying this but I regret cutting you out of my life, I regret it so much. Cause I miss you all the time, I miss everything about you and now I think it may be to late to invite you back in. And would you even consider being apart of my life now? I miss how we used to be, how I was when I was with you. the way you'd always find someway to touch me, I even miss when you would call me names and make fun of me. I miss the time when you would drag my chair across a photography class just so we would be sitting together. I miss being able to tell you whatever I wanted and there would never be any judgement passed. I wish I never cut you out, and I wish I could have all that back. I wish I could have US back.


seraorchid...

Feb. 18th, 2011

(no subject)

 I don't understand whats going on with me. I swear I used to be this very happy girl, almost always a smile on my face. But now it's as if I can't imaging smiling at all. Not really anyways, now when I try to smile it always feels forced.I feel as though I don't mean anything to anyone in my life and I just want this year to be over so I can move to Ottawa and be done with all these people.

I feel like I'm living in a really dark tunnel but there's no end or light in it. I feel like Christina Richie in Prozac Nation and I hate that.
I feel like this feeling will never leave me...

♡seraorchid...

*the storm isn't leaving, it's staying forever...*

Jan. 26th, 2011

...

 what do I do when I cannot hold on anymore, I can't keep this storm at bay...  

the thing is I feel like I should feel happy now, I got an early acceptance to university, I have good friends, my grades are good, my life is so good compared to others. So why do I feel like there's this gaping whole of sorrow in me, why do I feel empty. Why did I almost cry at the mall for no reason, 


♡ seraorchid. 

Jan. 22nd, 2011

Darkness creeps in again...

It's been a few months, But I can feel it. The darkness and loneliness creeping back into my life. I hate this feeling so much cause its like I'm completely empty, numb on the inside. I have to put on this act like everything is fine and I'm super happy, no one knows how good of an actress I am. 

But the thing is I don't understand why only people I barely know can see how miserable I am, and those who are always around me can't. I mean maybe they just don't care how utterly miserable I am. Maybe they've just stopped caring about me all together. I think everyone is really happy that I'll be 5 and half hours away from here, I mean I know I am.

I wish the feeling of happiness would stick with me forever, but I know it will only ever stay awhile. I'm just not meant to be a happy girl...


♡seraorchid

*I can feel the storm breaking free of me*

Dec. 5th, 2010

Relationships..... or lack of them

 Is there something wrong with me, it seems like everyone in my life can have long lasting healthy relationship with someone else. But I cannot, it's almost impossible for me. I mean my longest relationship was two months and it was no where close to a healthy relationship and that was when I was fourteen. Now I'm seventeen and since then I've only had casual relationships with guys or not even literal real relationships.

And this all sucks because my prom is in may or something and I probably won't even have a date or maybe I will but only cause some guys think I'm like some huge slut.

No one looks at me and sees a virgin, and I don't get it. 
No one looks at me and sees a nice girl, and I get it.





♡ seraorchid

*i'll let the storm rage with in me for a while*

Nov. 24th, 2010

Happiness....

 I used have this theory that happiness is this ongoing internal battle with yourself, and so you can't just expect to wake up happy you have to make it happen. But if this is true I have been loosing the battle everyday lately, so no matter how hard you fight maybe sometimes you just have to feel the emptiness, the hopelessness, the sadness right down to your core. Maybe... that's all I'm meant to feel.

The thing is though I don't know how much longer I can wait for the feeling of happiness to creep back into my head because it feels like it's been months since, well since I really felt anything but sad....

People always tell me that I'm really sensitive and thats what makes me an artist, But why does everything have to hit me  ten times  harder than anyone else. Why can;t anyone see that there's something wrong with me....

*the storm is raging inside, and i wish it would stop*

seraorchid.

Oct. 8th, 2010

Breathless and Empty....

 I am not sold on the whole school system thing ,I have on several occasion contemplated dropping out. I just feel that I don't fit there, see now its not exactly that I'm bad at school, though I am not the best student. It's just that I don't really get it, like what's the point?
what's the point of any of it, it just makes no sense....
But then I think about these two cute boys I semi like and I think meh schools not to bad.

The thing is though lately I've been feeling empty, and sometimes it like there's an angry storm trying to rip its way of me and my seams aren't strong enough and their tearing slowly, but surely.
I'm afraid for when the storm breaks free from me, I mean it shouldn't take long.....

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